As my wedding day approached, I had shivers running down my spine already! I was terrified and scared of the wedding night as I was a virgin and was about to lose my virginity to a stranger. As much as the thought of marrying Vishal seemed like a good idea to me, I was scared, just a little bit. But the wedding night? I had started panicking.
But as time drew closer, I found myself in bed with the man who didn’t touch me even once, before going off to sleep. “The wedding made me really tired”, is what he said before turning his back to me and snoring away. I was a bit relieved since it gave me at least a day’s time to be with him before we both get intimate. But as the next day and many other days followed, he slept soundly at night, refusing to even hold hands. Maybe he was giving himself and me some time to get to know each other before engaging in sex. And my heart warmed at this thought.
Vishal was a caring person; he was considerate, genuine and really chatty! I loved sitting beside him with a cup of tea and talking about our childhood memories. He bought me gifts and sometimes, even roses. His actions resonated with his caring personality and to be honest, I was more than happy to get to know my husband.
However, as months passed and I had already fallen in love, Vishal still refused to indulge in any sexual activities, let alone a kiss! It was a bit weird by now since all I had known was that men loved to have sex. But one day, out of the blue, Vishal kissed me, and before I had time to savour it, he pulled away. His expression seemed horrified but he quickly hid it well. He thought I wouldn’t notice but I did. The following days, I made several subtle attempts to get close to him but every single one of them failed. He was caring, but I guess, he still didn’t fall in love with me.
As months passed into a year, Vishal still didn’t touch me yet. It had already been a year and we still didn’t consummate the marriage, which was a first amongst everyone I knew. Vishal was caring yet formal. He never gave me the impression that he loved or longed for me.
As Vishal got a job in a foreign country, he left me here waiting for him. And I did so patiently because I still had the hope that this time, when he came back after months, he would long for me, and we both could finally embrace the beautiful relation of love and passion. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as I planned them to be. After he came back after a year and a half, he still didn’t want to get intimate with me.
Was he gay or incompetent? Did he love someone else? All sorts of questions kept swirling in my mind. And as hurtful as it may sound, I was slowly falling out of love with him. Despite my attempts at connecting with him, he made no real efforts into retaining our bond as a married couple. And now, at this point, everything is so blurry that I no longer know what to do anymore.
*Name has been changed on request